....don't hold back

Yogis,

Recently someone sent me a passage on mindfulness.  It described a practice to use when you encounter a moment so beautiful that you want to savor it. Slowing down. Noticing where you are.  Listening to the breath and opening the senses. 

Then it went on to say -

‘Allow the experience to be as full as possible.  Don’t hold back’

Wow.  Imagine living life without holding back…………………

Oh, why do we hold back so much? 

This life is amazing and is meant to be lived to its fullest. To be tasted, smelled, touched, seen and heard, beyond the obvious and below the surface.  It calls out to us to dive deep but I often sense I am staying in the shallow end. 

Why don’t I dance wildly under the stars, laugh until my stomach hurts and skip down the street through the first spring rain? Lie on the grass under the full moon and eat oysters on the beach at sunset.  Love my body unconditionally, feel the mud between my toes and bear hug the stranger that just lent a hand. 

Our souls yearn for the aliveness of it all.  We can sense its presence, but it so often seems out of reach. Not supposed to. Not adult like. No time. Trapped in the thinking mind looking for distraction and  believing that stimulation may satisfy.  But it falls short in the end. 

‘Allow the experience to be as full as possible.  Don’t hold back’

When leaning in to smell the lavender bush do I dive in with my being. Sinking into my tub, do I close my eyes to allow every cell in my body to receive. Can I shout with joy even when others may hear. Can I be quiet enough to see the soul of another.  Can I ‘lean in’ to life. Every day. Every moment. 

Even the pain I have been experiencing…..can I lean in. Yes, even pain.  Feeling completely what life has placed in my path.  Moving toward healing but not distancing myself from discomfort.  Allowing the experience without holding back. 

I am reading a book of letters by Etty Hillesum and in the foreword they describe Etty’s view on living a full life. Her sense of “………….a majestic stream of life, which includes within itself pain and suffering as well as happiness and joy, and which has to accepted in all of its encompassing depths” 

‘Allow the experience to be as full as possible.  Don’t hold back’

All of this takes letting go.

I want to be in the stream and not watching from the banks,
SARAH

.....heal thyself

Yogis,

The body knows.  Mine has been telling me something isn’t quite right, but I haven’t been listening. 

It all began about a month ago with a small pain in my upper back. First it felt like a strained muscle.  I rubbed some healing balm into it and got a massage. It felt better for a while but came right back.  Some days it would sit quietly in the background and other days it had much more to say. I was acknowledging it but honestly not giving it a whole lot of my attention. It will go away.

I would ‘do less’ when I practiced yoga, and didn’t run ‘as far’ in the mornings. Not listening. My typical attitude that I would just work my way through it. Nothing stops me!

Well…..it has finally stopped me.

As you know, I have had a month with emotional highs and lows and what happens in the mind will also be felt in the body.  Interesting how this physical pain began right along with the natural upheaval that occurs with making life decisions.  The ‘dis-ease’. Where life this past week caused me hurt, my body now aches. Something is stuck and I must get quiet to hear. 

Injuries, pain, illness are all symptoms of what is happening within. Signals to let us know that life has gotten stuck inside and our job is to listen.  But often, like I have been doing, we treat the symptoms without attending to the root of the problem.  Indigestion, we pop Tums where the real cure may be found in leaving an unfulfilling job .  A chronic sore throat has us running for antibiotics when saying what needs to be said will set us free.  Nightly sleeping pills for insomnia where a toxic relationship or media overload could be the true culprit.  Catch a bug and run to the doctor to get fixed when all our body is shouting is for us to slow down…………

We all want the quick fix.  Why try a meditation practice when we can so easily begin blood pressure medication.  But treating symptoms and rationalizing them away does not heal us.  They only muffle the inner voice.  But that voice will get louder and louder until eventually we no longer have a choice but to listen. That is where I am right now.  A forced stop. 

Last weekend I thought that by the release of crying I was done with it all.  Being my practical productive self I believed I had let the whole situation pass through over one tidy weekend–ready to move along in the new week.  Not allowing myself to be inconvenienced by the need for longer term self-care.  But perhaps it isn’t as simple as I would like it to be.  Looks like perhaps there is more buried in there and I have to look deeper.  Ouch.

What has your body been telling you?  Are you listening?

The body knows…….and now I am the ready student.

Taking the time to heal inside and out,
SARAH

.......a hurdle

Yogis,

Tuesday afternoon and Phoebe is having her daily playdate with her doggie boyfriend.  Blue sky with that unmistakable feeling of spring in the air.  The dogs are wildly chasing each other through the large fenced yard, her with her body crouched low like a greyhound to reach maximum speed, when a large lounge chair is suddenly in her path.

Without hesitation she lifts high into the air with the grace of a gazelle landing lightly on the other side, not missing a beat.  It was beautiful to see.  As if the chair wasn’t even there.  She cleared it with ease, ears blown back by the wind and her nose pointed with purpose.

I was trying to describe it the next day to a neighbor and I said it was as if she had jumped a…………. I couldn’t think of the word.  You know, the things those runners jump over.  The word escaped me.   Yeah, he said, I know what you mean but I can’t think of it either.  A…….a………

It finally came to me.   A hurdle.

Little did I know that a large one was about to be plunked down directly in my own path.

For this past month life’s curtain was drawn back to show me new possibilities.  A peek into what could be and I liked what I saw.  The potential for change.  For letting go and moving forward.  Scary, exciting, unknown, freeing and messy all mashed together on a plate laid on my table.  It appeared that one of my visions was about to manifest and I was ready.

But Friday the curtain was abruptly pulled shut.  A lumpy, heavy, unmovable life hurdle was put in its place. 

We all have them and they so often come out of nowhere, with little to no warning.  We are making our way around the track with grace and ease, feeling in control of the race until…..we aren’t.    So what do we do when we turn that corner and find one right at our feet?

Well first I cried.  A lot.  I would stop and get myself together until only moments later it would all come rushing back in.  Like waves.  I spent the day letting them flow when they arrived, since trying to hold a wave back is like asking to be knocked to the ground and you end up with a nose full of water.  My nose was full enough with tears, thank you very much.  And when I finally felt cleared, I stood up and shook myself off.  And went to yoga.

This is a moment in time we have a choice to make.  We can remain a puddle on the floor, we can get angry, we can turn around and go backward, we can blame the hurdle/someone/the world/all of the above, or we can root down to lift off and clear the hurdle with forward momentum.  I am choosing forward.

I write a lot on trusting the Universe completely.  That everything happens for a reason.  While I am making my way over this hurdle I am having an extremely difficult time seeing the reason, but that is where faith is put to the test.  Can I let go and continue following my heart. Continue seeing my vision.  Not allowing the actions of the outside world to determine the state of my inner world.  Am I able to do what I teach.

This hurdle is not life threatening and I know I will land on the other side – although perhaps not quite as gracefully as Phoebe.  But I have now glimpsed what is behind the curtain.  I have tasted it.  Now it is up to me to find my own way there.  And I will. 

Continuing to step forward and watch for guidance………………and keeping the tissue handy.

Seeing what I want,
SARAH

.....the night is dark

Yogis,

The night is dark and full of terrors.

                ~George R.R. Martin

Why is it that everything seems so much worse in the middle of the night? 

You know what I mean. It’s 2:00 in the morning and you wake up to go to the bathroom. You lie back down and close your eyes, ready to drift back into that hazy land of dreams, but your mind has other ideas.  The issue that was bothering you in the afternoon suddenly blows up into a full length horror movie.  Everything that could possibly go wrong becomes what is clearly going to happen.  Every noise is most definitely an intruder and you’re sure you didn’t lock the door.  Your life is a mess and you are a loser. 

The veritable monster under the bed……………

This week I was making some life decisions.  In the light of day all options, although somewhat complicated, looked possible.  I was letting them all settle in.  Sitting with them in meditation.  Asking the Universe for guidance.  I would head up to bed each evening with a little more clarity.  Until……………..

“What was I thinking?  Who am I to think I can go that direction?  I am being selfish.  I am not worthy.  This could happen….that will happen……..I will end up…….Why wasn’t this all blatantly obvious in the light of day?” Heart beginning to pound. Every possible obstacle lit up and  glaring at me as I lie cowering beneath my sheet. 

Fear thoughts. They love the dark.  Their favorite dwellings are the corners, closets, and especially under the bed. They stay buried within until the world sleeps where there are no distractions.  They love to grab you by the ankles and hold you in place.  They are your shadow.  But it is also in their grip that we can learn. Can go a bit deeper. 

As the sun rises, I take a big stretch, brush my teeth and the world is good again. But where did they go and will they be back? 

So which thoughts are really mine?  The ‘world is ending’ or the ‘life is good’?  Both!  It’s only that in the dark of night what is buried deep rises to the surface. 

These fear thoughts challenge us and we have two choices.  We can become their prey or bring out our handy flashlight and give them a good looking over.  Lifting up the bed skirt to face what lurks beneath.  Bringing them out into the light.  Acknowledging them for their guidance,  but continuing to move forward anyway toward where the heart is leading.  Fear asks you to stay where it is comfortable.  Moving beyond fear is the path to a life fulfilled.  

So I watched.  What am I really afraid of?  Can I see them for what they are. My thoughts. Can I move beyond them?  They are not me.  

..…..and when I looked under the bed this morning it was that crumpled up sweatshirt I forgot I had pushed under there.

In a Dark Time

In a dark time, the eye begins to see

I meet my shadow in the deepening shade

                – Theodore Roethke

Not afraid,                                                                                                                      
SARAH

.....time is an illusion

Yogis,

About every three weeks in the off season we head to our beach house.  The normal routine is leaving early Saturday morning, so I can have my Friday night ‘time for me’, and then I work from there on Monday and drive back that evening.  Have been doing that for a while now.  A routine.

But this week we changed the plan so I could get together with my sister.  Heading there Friday afternoon and coming back Sunday.  Doesn’t seem like that would be a big modification but it completely threw me for a loop! 

Packing on Thursday night instead of Friday morning made it challenging to remember what to bring.  Saturday my alarm went off and I was sure it was Sunday.   Today I felt like I should be working and was convinced that tomorrow I had my Tuesday classes….. and the weekend felt so much longer than usual.  It reminded me of how those 3 day holiday weekends, where the four day work week should feel like a gift, usually ends up feeling interminably long.  Thinking on Wednesday that it must be Thursday.  It all made me think about time.

Time speeds up.  Time slows down.  Whenever something is new we notice it more and time crawls.  As soon as it becomes rote, time picks up velocity.  I always notice this on vacation where those first few days when everything is unknown seem like an eternity, only to be followed by the final four days racing by like a blur.  Is it already time to leave?

Einstein was the first to shock the world with the concept that time is an illusion.  Today’s belief is ‘There Is no Time. There never was and there never will be. Everything exists in the present moment and it's a fundamental principle of the Universe that many of our scientists are still trying to grasp. Time does not actually exist and Quantum Theory proves it.’

Therefore there really is only now.  Only this moment.  I am writing this now.  You are reading this now.  I want to live more of these ‘nows’.  I don't want to wait for some unknown time. Less attention to the past or the future as those are merely illusions.  More living. More aliveness. Less rote. Want to join me?

One of my students sent me a picture of his father-in-law who is now 103, still going to the gym daily and doing Tai Chi.  Think about that.  103 years.  Viewing that from afar and saying the number - more than a century – makes it appear an eternity.  However he says even he can’t believe how fast time has gone and how he got so old so fast.  I bet what he remembers when he looks back are the moments. 

Does it matter if we live to 103 if we aren’t living the moments?

There is now…..and then there is now…..and then there is now,
SARAH

.......something amazing

Yogis,

“Pause and notice this moment.  Different from any other moment you are going to have.  Every moment, a chance for something amazing.  So you don’t want to miss it!”

I say this in class often.  One of my mantras.  It reminds not only everyone attending class, but me to remember what is important.  This moment is what matters.   It is only in this moment that life can happen. Not tomorrow.  Not two weeks ago.  Here….now.

This week we had incredible weather, with 80 degrees days, blue skies and the tips of the trees turning color.  So I began each class with a short led meditation with the windows wide open where we paused to notice spring.  The stiller and quieter you get, the more your awareness sharpens.  We tuned into the sounds and smells and felt the air on our skin.  We breathed the energy of spring in.

In  the dark silence of yesterday’s early morning class, at the same moment I was saying to feel the air on the skin, a strong gust of wind blew through.  It literally came out of nowhere rattling the dried leaves on the tree and sending a burst  of much cooler air into the room.  You couldn’t help to not only notice it, but be moved by it. 

…..a chance for something amazing.

At the end of class someone said it felt like I had conjured it up with the meditation.  I laughed it off, but that stuck with me through my day. 

“I don’t have that kind of power!”  I thought.  But do I?  Do all of us?  When we become completely still, quiet the mind and truly notice someone or something, giving it our complete undivided attention, a relationship forms.  A give and take.  A bond. Why would the Universe be any different?  When we tune in, something amazing happens. 

I had forgotten about it by evening as I had my ‘busy’ day. 

Friday night.  Time to lean out the window (Hi FLOW members!).  As I moved my body out into the night air I was thinking about the notes I was going to send out to my meditation group over these next few days.  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and paused to feel the night.  “I will write about looking at the sky.  Noticing it.  Really seeing it”. 

I opened my eyes and looked up,  just as a magnificent shooting star streaked across the sky leaving a trail of light in its path. It took my breath away.  Wow!  Thank you Universe!

…….every moment a chance for something amazing. 

Be sure to find the time in your day to be completely still.

To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.

                ~Lao Tzu

Noticing this moment,
SARAH

....why do I do it

Yogis,

It’s March and I’m one week into the month long March Meditation I am leading.  This is the fourth year I have shared  this program because somehow March seems like the perfect month to look inside.   And whenever you teach, you learn.  Guiding others in how to meditate causes me to look deeper into my own practice and this year I have been asking myself………

Why do I meditate?

With the Yoga asana practice – the physical postures – many people initially begin because of an issue.  Lower back, knee or hip pain.  Trouble sleeping. The doctor recommends it, or they see how toned a friend’s body is becoming.  Age is causing stiffness and there is a desire for more flexibility.  But those of you that have been doing it a while know that all of those things will indeed be helped, but the benefits run so much deeper.  Inner changes that are unexpected and that no one mentioned begin to show themselves.  Over time with consistent dedicated practice……………

Meditation is the Yoga practice for the mind.  Like the asana practice, many are drawn to it for outer reasons.  The most common one is looking for relaxation.  Others are hoping to lower blood pressure, ease anxiety attacks, and reduce stress.  Once again, the practice will do all of those things but those are just the top dressing.  They are what initially keep you coming back.  Meditation, however, when practiced over time with consistency has the potential to change your thoughts, and therefore the way you feel.  Even the way you live. 

 Most of us don’t jump up and down with excitement when asked if we would like to meditate.  It appears boring.  Like nothing is happening.  You are just sitting there.  How silly is that? 

But it is a practice that has been around for hundreds of years so obviously there is something going on there.  Which brings me back to my question…..why do I meditate.

I have been meditating daily for 8 years so I know I am still scratching the surface, but the changes I see and feel are significant.  But the one that brings me back to my seat day in and day out, when I feel like it and when I don’t, and even when that early alarm goes off after a very late party is the clarity.  The guidance on how to live each day.

When we meditate we learn to relax the mind muscles and focus so that there is less thinking and more listening.  In the listening, wisdom pours in.  We suddenly just know.  I am finding it hard to put into words but it is as if I ask the Universe a question, listen and know. 

I use it for everything.  The little daily decisions and annoyances as well as the life changing events.  Ask, listen and know.   Sometimes it can take only moments.  Other times weeks or even months.  But I trust it implicitly and it never lets me down. 

If I find myself beginning to analyze, ‘think through’, google, worry or stress about something…… I head for my seat.  Take a big exhale, relax, empty and listen.  Waiting for the download.   Life is much simpler this way…..and more fun! 

And that is why I personally meditate……….  I am so grateful that meditation found me.  I recommend it J

Getting quiet so I can hear through life’s static,

SARAH