.....forgiveness

Yogis,

I had an ‘a-ha’ moment recently. One of those times when the clouds of the mind suddenly part and everything becomes crystal clear. 

All day long I had known that my husband was going to end up doing something that upsets me. It was the perfect storm. The way our schedule was for the weekend, the time we had arrived home, the way he was speaking. I felt it coming. With this backdrop, you would think that when he stuck his head in the bathroom to casually tell me that he was going to do ‘what I knew he was going to do’ I would be ok inside.  But no…..

When he did…..boom!  My jaw clenched, my body temperature rose and I muttered under my breath.  My mental chatter now ramped up to full speed ahead.    

‘I knew he was going to do this (duh)’…. ‘He knows this makes me angry’…..’He doesn’t care what I want’…..’It’s always the same’…….’He doesn’t understand me’…..and so on as my body clenched and steam rose from my ears.  Meanwhile my husband is now snuggled in bed drifting off into his little dream world without a care in the world. 

Typically in this type of situation I hold on to the sensation of anger, because letting it go feels like letting the other ‘off the hook’. I cling to my hurt and self-pity like long lost friends, knowing I will most certainly keep them around all evening, and perhaps even invite them to breakfast. But something woke me up this time.

Here I was lying in a beautiful sunken tub, surround by floating rose petals and lavender buds. Lit candles watched over me and my playlist sang to me softly in the background. It was right then that I realized I had a choice. I could lie there in discomfort or I could listen to the hot water which was pleading for me to allow my tense muscles to melt……and so I did. I let go. 

I let go of the anger. I let go of the clenching. I let go of the thoughts. And I floated……and it hit me. This is what forgiveness ‘feels’ like. 

I always read how forgiveness is about you and not the other person.  How it isn’t giving away your power, caving in, or allowing others to harm you, but instead is a gift you give yourself.  Yeah, yeah, yeah......I always thought.  Maybe that works for other people.  But this time I got it. Suffering is not from what is done to us but how we react and then hold on to it for dear life hours, days or even years later.  Forgive and set yourself free. Float.

Which is what I did. Completely at peace. 

So do I have this ‘forgiveness’ thing down? Ha, ha, ha…… now that’s funny. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But the Universe granted me this fleeting glimpse of its potential.  And for that I am grateful…..

Noticing,
SARAH