....holidays pandemic style

Yogis,
I love routine, ritual, and tradition. Once I find something that works well, I tend to stick with it for quite some time. May be the Capricorn in me.

Take vacations as an example. We begin the year with a trip to the islands, followed in summer by three weeks at different beaches. Fall is where we boldly go somewhere new. These traditions have each spanned anywhere from 20 to over 30 years. And somehow, we were able to make them all work even in this challenging year. I still love each one for different reasons.

Holidays are much the same, but this year we hit our first speed bump at Thanksgiving. Having 16 of us gather at our small beach house for football watching, turkey eating, game playing and outlet shopping, was not in the cards. Instead, we had a much quieter scaled down celebration at home with two of the boys. We had a wonderful time and kept reminding ourselves that next year we would be right back into the craziness that we have come to expect and love.

Now Christmas is staring me in the face, and I am finding it harder to be so stoic.

For 28 years now, my sons, parents, sister, and her family have all traveled down to our house for what is basically a gigantic three-day sleepover. We all know what to do. The same Christmas eve mass routine (which involves sitting on the balcony steps since we arrive too late), knowing whose presents go where under the tree, the men’s traditional cigar smoking around the grill (interesting hats required), champagne toasts and eggs benedict on Christmas morning.

Perhaps it is because this second speed bump is coming so close to the first. Or maybe it is because Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, but I am finding it challenging. When my sister and I finally had the conversation where it had to be said out loud that they all were not coming, it was emotional. I knew in my heart but didn’t want to hear it.

So here I sit, buying presents online. How to get them wrapped? Trying to figure out how to best get the food we will need without big trips to a store.  What time should I go to the post office to send that box to my family of those more personal items where I won’t be standing in an indoor line. Who has to get tested. It seems complicated and as if I am watching it all from afar.

I am having moments where I feel down.  Then I remind myself.

Our mind has expectations. When those expectations aren’t met we struggle. We immediately go to what isn’t happening, bypassing all that is still here. We compare what should be with what is and search out ‘lack’ and it causes us to suffer. This is what is making me low. If I visualize us all coming down the stairs on Christmas morning and determining who wins the bed head contest it makes me teary. And that is absolutely ok. There is a sorrow this year.

But I must also be sure to turn it around by visualizing what will be here.

Seeing us opening gifts with our sons whenever they are able to be there. Playing holiday music. Cuddling on my favorite couch under the new patio lights that are strung across the great room beams, which bring me much joy.  Smelling the Christmas tree, taking long walks….and still making eggs benedict on Christmas morning.

I have so many things to be grateful for, and Christmas, in whatever shape it is meant to have this year, is one of them.

I will miss the last minute errand running with my sister,
SARAH