......me watching me

Yogis,

As everyone including me knows, your first colonoscopy should be at the age of 50.  Last month I turned 56 and still test less.  I didn’t want to do it.

I wasn’t necessarily afraid of the test itself, although visualizing the actual procedure makes my arm hairs stand up, but everyone’s description of the prep had me running for the hills.  I am not a naturally thirsty person, so the thought of quickly having to drink 16oz of anything, much less something unpleasant, turned my stomach.  But last year my gynecologist looked me in the eye and said, “get it done before you come back next year” and here I was at yet another birthday.  So I made the call. 

I was picturing having weeks to mentally prepare but they had a cancel for only 4 days later.  I took a deep breath and the appointment.  I decided then that I would use the experience as an opportunity to observe myself.  To watch the stories, thoughts and resistance that were bound to appear. 

I want to share a few things from me observing me……

The appointment was Tuesday afternoon meaning Monday was prep day.  I found myself on Sunday thinking ahead to the next day.  ‘I am going to be starving…… how am I going to drink that…… I am going to be spending the whole night in the bathroom…..I will be exhausted’.  Hijacking a relaxing day at the beach house with worries of the future.

Nope. Having none of that, as I took my virtual eraser and wiped those thoughts off the chalkboard in my mind.  Replacing them with plans for long walks and images of going out to eat and watch the Super Bowl that evening. Letting Sunday be Sunday. That eraser is a tool you acquire for life’s toolbox with a steady mediation practice. Choosing thoughts.

Monday 6pm.  Noticing what it feels like to be hungry.  Sudden compassion for all of those around the world that feel this daily.  Now its time to drink.  I heard a straw is helpful (and it was).  I watched myself naturally finding a dristi (gazing point) on the wall ahead me and an internal mantra arising of ‘sip and swallow, sip and swallow’.  Slowly.  Focused. Relaxed. Over and over and over. Done. In the asana practice we use a dristi to settle the mind while holding an uncomfortable pose. Not to distract, but to focus. Steady the eyes…..steady the mind. 

Tuesday 2pm.  Lying on the prep table while the nurse takes my blood pressure and pulse.  Aware of my breath. “You seem relaxed” she says.  I look her in the eye. Huh. I guess I am. 

The doctor is running 15 minutes late and she asks if I would like a magazine.  Yes, I begin to say, thinking that will keep my mind busy……..but then, no thank you. I am going to be quiet.  I am going to be here. I look out the window next to my bed while being hydrated through the IV and watch the birds. Resting. 

When I awake from the procedure (during which I was in a deep restful sleep) I mindfully eat the animal crackers, which seemed like the most delicious ones I ever had. Memories of riding in a shopping cart in the grocery store as a toddler where my mom would give me the small red box of animal crackers with the carrying string and circus pictures on it.

Three hours later I taught my two classes.  A slow healing practice.

We don’t do yoga to be able to stand on our head. Yoga and meditation are practices to teach us how to be comfortable when things are uncomfortable.  To remain present, grounded and in touch with our inner world even when we are doing the things we don’t want to do.  When there is pain. When there is sorrow. When the world seems to tilt. I took my yoga off the mat this week.  I intend to continue doing that.

I am now in the world of post-colonoscopy,
SARAH

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