.....a glimpse inside

Dear Yogis,

(continued)

………… so there I stood holding my notebook from Engaged Encounter.  Sarah Jackson written across the top in my hand writing.  Knowing that inside were my personal thoughts and feelings from 32 years ago. Only 22 years old at the time and preparing  for marriage. Wow.

I immediately went into my room and began to read.  After about 5 pages I needed a break.  I put it down and didn’t pick it up to read further for another 10 days.

Have you ever come across something personal that you wrote in your past?  It is such an odd experience.  It reminds me of getting close to a mirror and looking deep into your own eyes.  Seeing yourself from a different perspective and almost not recognizing the person in that skin.  In some ways it felt as if I wasn’t supposed to be reading it.  As if I was that person I described who broke into my diary to see what was going on inside.  It felt almost too intimate.

A lot has changed in 32 years.  Three different houses, three sons, one grandson, two dogs, some age spots and many job titles.  I am a vegetarian, I teach yoga, I meditate and I write a weekly blog.  All things I couldn’t have predicted, with a few that if you had told me I would be doing them I would have vehemently disagreed.   

But in reading this journal that was written in a different younger less experienced voice,  I see that actually a lot less than expected has changed in my  innermost sense of self.   

One of the topics was which specific characteristics do I see in myself that are difficult for a relationship.  I nag…..I’m selfish….I get annoyed too easily….I worry too much…….I always think that I am right.   Meditation has reduced my annoyed meter dramatically, and I almost never worry, but as for the others, still a work in progress.  I will say though that now I at least see when my ego is heading down one of those paths, although I still am not always able to wrestle it back.   

On the topic of qualities I would like others to see in me – intelligent….emotional….nice……honest…..good listener.  That if anyone really takes the time to get to know me they would like me because I am a good person inside (is this a universal sense?).  But I went further to say that I worry people will not see all of this in me since I am so shy. 

I won’t bore you with the rest but suffice it to say that what clearly shone through in much of what I wrote was that I keep a lot in.  I am also confident that back then was no different than now and I certainly was not exposing the parts of me that lie even deeper below the surface. 

This all has felt uncomfortable. However, I suppose any time we take the opportunity to look in the mirror is an opening for growth. Seeing what was……seeing what is……seeing what could be.   No judgment.  Simply a barometer of what is serving me and what is not.  What beliefs ground and support me in reaching for my highest potential as a spirit residing in this particular human form,  and which should be hugged, thanked and released back to the Universe.

You may see me the way I have described, or you may not.  It matters not.  Because none of those words are me.  They are simply the stories I tell myself.  I want to be sure the story is open for editing. 

But the one quote I don’t plan to edit……”I don’t regret any of my decisions”.

Seeing me more clearly,
SARAH