....stuck with doubt

Yogis,

‘You will never get very far with all of that doubt……….’

That was said that to me several years ago, and at the time all I wanted to do was argue the fact.  I don’t have doubt. Caution perhaps. A healthy sense of logic and reason. But doubt?  No. Not me.

But the more the words ran through me the more they rang true, that although I always like to think of myself as confident and trusting , I also had a good amount of doubt mixed in there.  And where there is doubt, fear is sure to be lurking nearby.

This was around the time I was learning the laws of the Universe and the principles of manifesting my own life.  I knew what I wanted, was visualizing it daily, taking baby steps toward it……….. so all doubt was doing was confusing the issue.  Placing a haze around my intentions.  Taking what needs to be crystal clear and fogging it up.

So  I took the words to heart.  Doubt was something that must be let go.  In its place I put faith. The absolute unwavering confidence that I would use my gifts and my passion to create the life I wanted, while serving others .  I forged ahead with my vision of a yoga center named Serenity Circle, a garden that offered healing, and a fire circle that would become a gathering spot. I studied, I wrote, I stepped into the uncomfortable, knowing without doubt that I was supported. It was amazingly freeing. 

But somewhere along the line, doubt crept back in. 

I’m not exactly sure when.  Doubt often wears different masks so as to slip in below the radar. Acting as a friend here only to protect you.  It can appear as simply as ‘I will have Plan B, just in case’ or, ‘I won’t put that out there until I have perfected it more.’  But Friday night as I hung out the window, I suddenly noticed its presence.  Its heaviness.  The way it constricts. Doubt, and its cohort fear, had somehow weaved their way back into my life.  And when they are present, you are stuck. Self-doubt is like a chain.

I have become stuck. My back has become stuck.  My neck has become stuck.  I realize now that I have been doubting my teaching, doubting my writing, doubting my ability to make a difference and to live a vivid wild passionate untamed life.  That feeling of ‘who am I to …..?’  It doesn’t feel good.  So the words have come back to me……’You will never get very far with all of that doubt’. 

So I have work to do again and that is ok.  I have noticed….which is always the first step…..since you can’t draw the map to where you want to be, until you know where you are.  I have done it before – and I KNOW I can do it again.  Time for some more letting go, seeing, and moving toward.  Watch out, here I come!

“If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” 
― Vincent van Gogh

 

I can….and I will,

SARAH