.....a lemon

Yogis,

The FLOW (Friday Leaning Out the Window) club had its first meeting on Friday night!  There are currently 20 members, but we have room for….oh I don’t know…..thousands more.  See my previous post if you would like to join!  For me this week the night sky was clear and the snow packed ground gave the air a crispness with a somewhat bracing edge to it.  Invigorating!  And around 11:00 the moon rose to shine her light on me and the snow as I drifted off to sleep. 

So back to the lemon……..

I was at our local natural market planning to pick up my 3 weekly lemons.  Usually they are firm and bright yellow but this time they all looked slightly sad.  Their skin not so smooth with some small brown spots.  A group of limp lemons.  I checked the whole basket but they all looked the same.  So I somewhat begrudgingly picked three and put them in my basket.

As the week progressed and I used these less than perfect lemons in my morning water, squeezed on my salads and in my lentil soup I noticed something.  They were actually the best lemons I have had in quite some time!  Juicier with a fuller more complex flavor.  I had incorrectly judged them by their cover.  They hadn’t been what I was ‘looking for’. 

I, of all people, should know better.  For several years now I have received a weekly fresh picked farm share as a member of a CSA (community supported agriculture).  The biodynamic food has not been sprayed, colored or waxed.  Often the produce in the box does not ‘look’ like the works of art you see in Whole Foods, but once you bite in…..wow!  The gnarly carrots burst with flavor, the smaller mushier looking strawberries take you back to your childhood, and the lettuce asks for almost no dressing up.    In fact as the host of the CSA site I tell the new members not to judge the apples and turnips by their appearance, but by their depth of character. 

So why had I judged the lemons?  

As humans we are very visual and we are given an image of what everything, including our own bodies, should look like.  And when the outer skin does not live up to the unrealistic metric, we often pass it by without a glance.   But in the process we might be missing the juiciness. 

It has gotten me thinking.  Do I take the time to see things as they are, or do I just ‘look’ at them.   Very little of the story is revealed by the outer layer.  The flavor sits below the surface.  People, no different than the lemon. 

Lately there is a new movement to direct all of the ‘unwanted vegetables’ with blemishes, bruises and odd shapes away from the trash cans and into grocery stores in low income neighborhoods.  Those shoppers may get the last laugh J

Finally this video came across my path this week.  It tells the lemon story a different way.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0qD2K2RWkc 

Looking deeper,

SARAH

....join my club!

Yogis,

I am sending out an invitation to join my new club!  Different from most clubs because you don’t have to physically go anywhere, you don’t have to prepare anything ahead of time, and you don’t have to let anyone know when you can or can’t attend.  It is going to be called “FLOW – Friday Lean Out the Window”.  And its free!

Those of you who have been reading my blog for some time now know that I have a weekly ritual I refer to as “Friday Night Time for Me”.  It has been an important part of my life for about 8 years now.  It is a rare Friday night that doesn’t find me at a 6pm hot yoga class, followed up with tapas and a beer at Jaleo.  Then home where I light some candles in my bathroom, turn on the music and ‘lean out the window’.  Aaahhhhhh………. Wrapping up with some dancing, writing, and the grand finale – a soak in my tub with bath salts and essential oils. 

The idea for this club has been coming to me as I ‘lean out the window’.  Each week as the top half of my body reaches out into the night, I get the chance to feel the weather exactly as it is (and it was absolutely breathtaking this week during the height of the blizzard), hear the night noises, send out gratitude to the trees, sky and moon, and connect to all of you…… and all that is.  So you weren’t even aware but you are already sort of in my club!

So here is the invite…….

When:  Every Friday night anytime between 9 and 10:30pm

How long:  Whatever feels right.  Could be 30 seconds or could be 10 minutes!

Where:  Hanging out your window, or a door

What:  Consciously sending out gratitude and connecting to all of us just by being alone, being quiet and listening to your own breath

…A time for you

What if I am out that night?  At some point excuse yourself and walk outside alone for a moment, look up at the sky and say hello

What if I can’t make it some Fridays?  No problem.  Join in when you can.

What if I am in a different time zone?  Doesn’t matter.  Time and space are illusions.

How do I join?  You can email and let me know you are in so I can visualize you there!  Or….just start doing it!  sarah@serenitycircleyoga.com

Why am I doing this?  I can’t remember exactly how this ritual all began for me, but it has become an essential couple of hours in my week.  It is when everything that happened during the week soaks in and flows through, and where I open myself up to the new week to receive whatever the Universe has in store for me.  It is a weekly consistent touch point to my inner life.  It is also when I get my ‘download’ from the Universe with guidance on what is next.  So since it has been so helpful in my life I wanted to open a piece of it up to others.  My role is simply to hold the space for everyone. 

Besides it will be fun knowing we are all connecting weekly no matter where we sit physically! These can be some of the deepest connections.

So…..I put the invite out there.  Do with it what feels right.  You can also always join in the future as this has no boundaries.  That’s why it feels so right.

I see you in the stars,
SARAH

.....a glimpse inside

Dear Yogis,

(continued)

………… so there I stood holding my notebook from Engaged Encounter.  Sarah Jackson written across the top in my hand writing.  Knowing that inside were my personal thoughts and feelings from 32 years ago. Only 22 years old at the time and preparing  for marriage. Wow.

I immediately went into my room and began to read.  After about 5 pages I needed a break.  I put it down and didn’t pick it up to read further for another 10 days.

Have you ever come across something personal that you wrote in your past?  It is such an odd experience.  It reminds me of getting close to a mirror and looking deep into your own eyes.  Seeing yourself from a different perspective and almost not recognizing the person in that skin.  In some ways it felt as if I wasn’t supposed to be reading it.  As if I was that person I described who broke into my diary to see what was going on inside.  It felt almost too intimate.

A lot has changed in 32 years.  Three different houses, three sons, one grandson, two dogs, some age spots and many job titles.  I am a vegetarian, I teach yoga, I meditate and I write a weekly blog.  All things I couldn’t have predicted, with a few that if you had told me I would be doing them I would have vehemently disagreed.   

But in reading this journal that was written in a different younger less experienced voice,  I see that actually a lot less than expected has changed in my  innermost sense of self.   

One of the topics was which specific characteristics do I see in myself that are difficult for a relationship.  I nag…..I’m selfish….I get annoyed too easily….I worry too much…….I always think that I am right.   Meditation has reduced my annoyed meter dramatically, and I almost never worry, but as for the others, still a work in progress.  I will say though that now I at least see when my ego is heading down one of those paths, although I still am not always able to wrestle it back.   

On the topic of qualities I would like others to see in me – intelligent….emotional….nice……honest…..good listener.  That if anyone really takes the time to get to know me they would like me because I am a good person inside (is this a universal sense?).  But I went further to say that I worry people will not see all of this in me since I am so shy. 

I won’t bore you with the rest but suffice it to say that what clearly shone through in much of what I wrote was that I keep a lot in.  I am also confident that back then was no different than now and I certainly was not exposing the parts of me that lie even deeper below the surface. 

This all has felt uncomfortable. However, I suppose any time we take the opportunity to look in the mirror is an opening for growth. Seeing what was……seeing what is……seeing what could be.   No judgment.  Simply a barometer of what is serving me and what is not.  What beliefs ground and support me in reaching for my highest potential as a spirit residing in this particular human form,  and which should be hugged, thanked and released back to the Universe.

You may see me the way I have described, or you may not.  It matters not.  Because none of those words are me.  They are simply the stories I tell myself.  I want to be sure the story is open for editing. 

But the one quote I don’t plan to edit……”I don’t regret any of my decisions”.

Seeing me more clearly,
SARAH

....locked within

Yogis,

Did you ever have a diary as a child?  I think back then it was generally a girl thing.  I had a few over the years.  Small hardback with the little lock on the front.  And of course, a key.

But even with the lock and key I never felt comfortable putting my deepest innermost feelings in there.  I just couldn’t bring myself to be that vulnerable.  To opening myself up on paper with that slight possibility of someone breaking in.  So most of my diary entries went something like this…..

Dear Diary,

I went to school today.  I love my math class but the English teacher is such a nerd.  Janet’s hair looked really bad today.  After school we worked on our new club.  I told everyone that I would be the president……..and so on.

This year I wanted to give a gift to each of my students and the message from the Universe was ‘give journals.’  So I did. 

They are hard bound lined journals with beautiful covers, but no lock.  No key.  So it brought up some diary talk amongst the classes.  Stories of brothers breaking into them and writing comments.  Of being taunted with the diary held up in the air.  Or like me, never feeling they could write anything weighty. 

Journaling is special and is a tool used on the spiritual journey.  It allows us to take what it is that we want, that we feel, that we long for, and form it into words.  It gives voice to our inner creativity, taking what is within and bringing it forth in a magnificent flow.  It is where we state our intentions and let go of our grief.  Question our beliefs and note the messages we are receiving from the Universe.  Journaling is our partner in the manifestation process we call life. 

When I first began journaling eight years ago it read much like my old diaries.  No risk taking.  No courage.  BORING.  Letting the absence of a key or a good hiding place hold me back from expressing me.  From being me or stating my truths.  From exposing who I am hidden deep within this Sarah costume.

When you stop to think about it, how crazy is that?  That somehow i don’t want anyone to know the deepest most vulnerable parts of my soul.  The places that are most real.  The places that if unlocked would make me whole.  What exactly am I afraid of?

Instead we prefer to float on the surface where it feels safe.  Wearing our masks and speaking what we know those around us will be most comfortable with.  Why?  What will happen if we tear ourselves open for others to see?  Exposing our inner light.  As my mother always asks, ‘What is the worst thing that can happen?’

As one women was leaving class after receiving  her journal, she turned and asked, ‘But what if someone reads it?’

I paused.  Yes, what if someone reads it indeed.  Perhaps then the genuine conversations and real healing could begin.  Maybe just maybe our connections could all come from a much deeper place.  Our souls could converse.

Two days later my husband walked up the steps saying  “Look what I found….”  He was carrying two spiral notebooks.  He handed me the one that said Sarah Jackson on top.  These were the notebooks from our Pre-Cana weekend which was a requirement for a Catholic wedding.  I was 22.  Gulp.

Very funny Universe.

…….more to follow

Do you have the key to unlock me?
SARAH

....giving it a name

Yogis,

“Look, there’s Ralph!  I like Ralph!”

That’s me talking to Phoebe as I spot a woman up ahead walking a dog.  Mind you I have never seen her or her dog before.  I have absolutely no idea what his name is, and Ralph is the first one that comes to mind.  So Ralph he is. 

Phoebe’s largest fear is a dog approaching us on leash.  Off leash – no problem.  Us approaching from behind – piece of cake.  A dog barking at her from behind their fence – barely a glance.   But head on, leash to leash – watch out.

But I began to notice something.  As she would snarl and bark at a passing dog while I held on for dear life, I would ask the owner its name (if they could hear me over the raucous or weren’t quickly scurrying away with their dog.)  Then the next time I would use its name as we approached. 

I began to sense a very slight shift in energy when a name was used.  For a while I worked with this new found technique, but then decided to take it a step further.  Why not ‘name’ every dog since I don’t have the chance to have an exchange with each owner. 

Naming your fear………………….

Fears.  We all have them and they hold us back from reaching our highest potential.  Naming them is the first step toward facing them.

If this was showing promise for Phoebe, what about me?  I noticed that I was taking shorter and shorter walks and avoiding most public areas.  What was I afraid of?  What was my actual innermost fear?  Embarrassment.  Sounds laughable, but I realized that I have a fear of being embarrassed.  This all had more to do with what other people thought than about Phoebe or me. 

I named it. “ I am afraid of embarrassment.” 

Once we give something a name, it is as if we are shining a spotlight on it.  Bringing it into the light so it no longer lurks in the dark shadows under the bed waiting for our bare ankles.  In the naming alone the fear loses a piece of its power.  Unnamed fear hides and grows.  A name defines its shape and size.  A name gives us the ability to step back to observe it, give it space and take the time to feel it. 

Each fear is an opportunity.  A chance for growth.  How much more expansive I would become if I had no fear of embarrassment! 

I turned it around. “ I release the fear of being embarrassed during encounters on my walks”.  Repeated over and over and over, while walking a block further, then another, then another.  Naming.

“Oh look Phoebe!  There is Fred!  I love Fred!”

What should I take on next,
SARAH

....what was I thinking?

Yogis,

I woke up this morning to begin crawling my way out of the void, better known as Christmas week.  Family was packing up to head home, bags and bags of trash piled on the steps to go out and the aftermath of the holiday meals and our rainy walks strewn across the wood floors.  Dog hair like tumbleweeds and cookie crumbs mixed in with those annoying plastic pieces that hold price tags onto new clothing.  A nerf dart discovered lodged in my Buddha’s elbow.  All there as a tribute to the wonderful time had by all.

I knew my morning was to consist of preparation for the workshop I was leading at 3:00 titled ‘Finding Your Center’ and I was so far from center I didn’t even know what day of the week it was.  HEL-LO.  Who in their right mind plans to lead others in centering at the tail end of basically a 4 day slumber party for 12 (not counting the 2 dogs and baby) in their home?   Uh, oh…….

Where to begin?  What does it actually mean to ‘Find your Center’?  Is it even possible in the swirl of the holiday season….or even in our run of the mill hectic day to day lives?

If I asked you to put your hand at your center, where would it go?  For me it is the center of my torso, above the belly button and right under the ribs.  I had to start somewhere and I found this morning that the simple act of placing my hand there sparked a remembering.  A small sign pointing to the path. 

It brought me back to the couple times I took Phoebe out alone for her walk over these last couple of days.  My rain boots on and  leash latched we would cross the barrier from the Christmas carol filled house with all of its lights, laughter and aromas into the stillness of the night.  A light drizzle and oh so quiet.  Hearing my own steps as they made their way through the puddles.  Oh yeah, there is my breath!  I forgot about you!  Everything suddenly slowing way down.  The bare branches so stark against the foggy sky and one time a sudden parting of the clouds to reveal the full moon.  On our return we would step back through the barrier right into the thick of Christmas mayhem and jump in without missing a beat. 

What was it in those walks that felt so centering? 

I don’t proclaim to have all of the answers but I will share the ones that steered me inward today.  Try them on for size:

·         Stopping.  Simply stopping.  Everything.  Movement, breath, thoughts.  Suddenly stopping….for a few seconds.  Then going back to what you were doing.  Absolute stillness.

·         Quiet.  Turning everything off, including your own voice.  In the quiet our center speaks.

·         Watching the breath.  Visualizing a line through the center of the body where the inhale traces it up and the exhale traces it back down.  The breath is the compass.  When it zigzags, so do we.

·         Heading outside ….I am sitting in my rock circle as I write this

·         Closing your eyes giving the other senses a chance to share in your experience.  The chimes in the distance.  The breeze through my hair.  The birds chirping because it is 70 degrees.

All of the above lead us to one place…. To Noticing this moment.  When we choose to notice this moment we stop.  We become so quiet we can hear our breath.  All of our sense awaken and everything  becomes crystal clear.  We….as the observer of this moment…..are our center. 

Our center isn’t a physical place.  It is our very essence. It is always there, we are just sometimes distracted.  It is who we are. 

And I……………….am now ready for the workshop to begin!......thanks goodness since it is now 2:15!

Remembering,
SARAH

....ho,ho,oh no

Yogis,

It begins earlier and earlier every single year.  We used to have until the day after Thanksgiving but that has become a distant memory.  Then at least  Halloween was given its own day in the sun.  But that too has passed.  This year I was shopping on September 27^th when I took this picture ……… 

 

……the Christmas Season.  Ho, ho, oh no.

I am able to ignore it all until Thanksgiving.  It is a principle I have that Christmas should last no longer than a month.  For me it always begins the day after Thanksgiving with a Black Friday trip to the outlets with my sisters in law.  The stores always open at about 5am (which we do not witness as we are still asleep) but this year they all opened at 4pm on Thanksgiving day and stayed open throughout the night.  As if I would want to be buying that perfect sweater at 2:30 in the morning.  Employees I saw the next day could barely string a coherent sentence together they were so wiped.

Ho, ho, whoa.

The Christmas Season.  For me it encompasses a three week period in which I………… bake cookies, write a Christmas letter, take the Christmas picture, stuff and address 80 Christmas cards, stand in line at the post office to mail 80 Christmas cards, buy many many presents, wrap many many presents, buy a Christmas tree, put up a Christmas tree,  get the house ready, attend Christmas parties, buy more presents, wrap more presents, grocery shop, buy flowers, stand in lines, pray for good parking spaces and wash the linens. 

Ho, ho, go.

All of this while still working my full time job (with yearend pressures no less), paying bills, teaching classes, walking the dog and feeding the family.  Are you feeling it?

A frenzied pace that is not for the weak of heart. 

It is an energy that even those who don’t celebrate Christmas can feel.  How could you not?  The backup to the exit ramp to the mall was over a mile long yesterday.  The UPS man barrels up and down the street at least  5 times a day (thank goodness!) and Christmas carols and lights fill the air. 

So why do we do it?

I know why I do it.  Because once the whole family has arrived and we sit around the fire with our cheese and crackers and open that first bottle of champagne, the feeling of love and joy we all share is beyond words. 

The Christmas season.  Could it be done more simply.  Absolutely.  Do I expect it to change. No, not really.  Is that ok?  Yes.

Merry Christmas to you all!

I still have to bake and wrap some more,
SARAH