....we all suffer

Yogis,

We all suffer.  The nature of a human being is to suffer.  We suffer physically, mentally and emotionally.     We all suffer……..  This is one of the basic tenets of Buddhism.

Suffering comes in many forms.  When we have pleasure or joy we attach to what we believe to be the cause of those feelings and then of course we suffer when they are no longer there.   The job title that provided a sense of worth, a beautiful home, a lover,  that perfect vacation or even our own mortality.   Those things in the outside world which bring us joy but ultimately are the source of our suffering,  as nothing external is permanent.  The wrinkles under the eyes are a reminder.

On the flip side we have those things that we resist and struggle against.  Illness, challenges, change, pain.  By the very act of resisting them, we suffer.   Trying to hold back life with only the strength of our arms.  Believing we have the power to select which of life’s events we want to visit us and which we can wave away. 

 Ok, so we all suffer.  I hear that.  I read it.  I reflect on it…….but somehow I have a hard time believing it.  I often think I am alone in the struggling department.

I look around and everyone else appears free from suffering.  I see smiles and hear the stories of all of the good things going on in their lives.  I check Facebook and all of my “friends” are getting hundreds of likes and being told how beautiful they are day after day.   But I guess from the outside my life must look to others as free from suffering too.   Maybe we are all skilled at hiding it behind the mask?  Creating the image of a perfect life.  Or is something wrong with me? 

When we begin a meditation practice and turn our gaze inward on a daily basis, it is the suffering that we notice first.  The sadness, disappointment, longings and the anger at what isn’t fair.   All there waving at us and asking for attention, probably because we have kept them buried in the dark corners and wished them away.     

But as our practice progresses and we sit with our suffering and embrace it on a daily basis, it ever so slowly begins to soften.   There is a gentle shift as we start to see that the suffering is not “me”.   A pain, a sorrow, a love, a touch, a feeling.  They are all there but they are not me.  They are what they are.  Each a wave passing through.  Each impermanent.   It is then that we begin to get glimpses into our true underlying nature.  Joy.   Maybe only for an instant at first before the next wave rushes in, but we now know it is there. 

We suffer because we grasp.  Peace is found when we let go.  Watching but not becoming.  Nothing on the outside can make us suffer.  We choose to.  We can choose not to. 

…….at least for today.

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”

Going deeper,
SARAH

seeing the world upside down

Dear Yogis,

For some reason this week it felt so good to stand on my head.  I go up at least once each time I practice, but typically I arrive, take a few breaths and make my way back to the earth.  But this week was different.  Once I arrived I wanted to linger.  A different view.  A different perspective with my toes touching the sky.  Suddenly being upside down was exactly where I was supposed to be.  Seeing my life from the ground up opened some new awareness.

I glance over at my computer screen which is dark as it takes a much needed nap.  No graphs, spreadsheets or charts.  Black.  But I look once more and I see it.   A reflection in the screen of the woods behind me.  Muted grays, browns and white as the trees hold their ground in the cold.  It all appears so different from this angle.  Serene and steady.

As I walk past the refrigerator I catch a glimpse of myself in its doors.  Seeing me, seeing me.  Oh yes, there you are…. I remember the day I bought it.  Choosing the shiny black one over the more popular stainless steel because it would always reflect the world back to me.  A daily gift.

The side of my foot has been hurting for the last few days as if the skin is rough and irritated.  I assume it is cracked from the cold but can’t quite find a position to stand or sit in which I can get a good look.  It is in one of those perfect spots that is just out of view.    It isn’t until  I walk into my closet which holds my full length mirror that my issue is unveiled to me.  A small slice, red and irritated.  Poor foot.  I go and sit to massage it with coconut oil. 

Winter is the time to slow w a y down.  A chance to reflect on what is right here for you.  Physically – like the cut in my foot which I had just been wishing away.  Emotionally – diving deeper into those uncomfortable sensations and bringing them into the light.  Spiritually – visualizing the seeds you plan to sow in your inner garden come spring. 

I noticed in my meditation this morning my mind was like a still lake, reflecting back to me.  Calm and waiting.  None of it’s usual mental gymnastics perhaps due to my “not-doingness” this weekend.    But did I really do nothing?  Look again.  Look deeper.  Look into the reflection.

I had walked in the biting cold and allowed myself to feel the rush of aliveness that flew in.  Allowing the cold to show me what she’s got instead of my usual jaw clenching, body contraction and mind resistance.  Relaxing with an exhale.   Bring it on and let me feel you.  Clear and crisp were the words that kept coming.

I sat on the couch cuddled with my new fur lined fleece blanket (which Phoebe absolutely wants to share with me), in front of a crackling fire while I ate soup I had made.  The zest of the lemon such a welcome counterbalance to the earthy lentils and potatoes.   And today as I stood in the front yard bathing my face in the sun, some greenery peeking from beneath the snow pack caught my eye.    I brushed the snow away to uncover the Lenten Rose seedlings I had planted last summer… tripled in size and looking so very happy. 

To an observer I am doing nothing.  That’s ok.  I am seeing that life reflects back to me the most when I am simply “being”. 

Open to receive,

SARAH

so you say you want to get to know me

Yogis,

Hi!  Welcome to Banana Republic.  Would you like a bag to use while you shop?

The holiday shopping had only begun and I could already sense the energy of it.  I have never been a big fan of store greeters.  Seems a bit too sugary and demands my attention when all I want to do is get in and get out.  I used to find pleasure in an occasional shopping trip but that fizzled years ago.  Now I have become a little more male in my shopping – a hunter.   The greeters are obstacles. 

Did you find everything you were looking for?  ……  if I say no and explain that they never have enough size smalls, will they listen?  Will they care?  Or will they just nod their head ……. Yes I did thanks.

Can I have your email address?  No thanks.  Do you need a bag? Do you have another ID?  Would you like to open a Banana Republic card and save 20%?  Any cash back?   Questions…questions...questions.

Hi!  Welcome to Under Armour.   

Did you find everything ok?  Receipt printed or emailed to save our planet (or something to that effect)?  I hear those around me spouting their email addresses in order to be green.  Does anyone, I mean anyone, truly believe that the email address will only be used for the receipt and not to send you a new email every single day, every day of the year for the rest of your life?  Yes please send me emails as I don’t seem to get enough!

Hi! Welcome to J Crew.   This is exhausting and I have only bought 5 gifts so far.  Can I have your name?   Wow!  Now that was a new one.  I pause.  I am only buying a $12 pair of panties that promise no lines and you want to know my name?  That seems a little too intimate.  Uh, no.

But it doesn’t stop with the human questions.  Whenever I swipe my card to pay for even groceries, a small machine asks no less than 5 or 6 questions, while those behind me in line shift from one hip to the other.  And just as I think I am done and turn to put the bags in the cart, the checker points to the screen and asks if I want to donate $1 to St. Judes.   Everyone watches as I say no.  Ugh. 

Do you want a car wash?  What is your zip code?  Are you a “member”?  What is your pin?  Did you take a shower today? …..that one I made up but I feel it coming. 

Know your customer.  Isn’t that the mantra for retail?  So they gather data.  Statistics to help them sell more.  I think Amazon even knows what time I go to bed.    Questions….questions…questions to learn who I am.  To sum me up, to predict my next step.

But they (by the way there is no “they”, but that is for another writing) will never know “me”.    They will learn all they can about Sarah but “I”  have no statistics.  “I” actually need nothing.   “I” am just the observer to  this new trend in shopping.    “I” cannot be labeled or placed on a graph.  “I” am centered and unchanging. 

The only way to know “me” is to look deep into my eyes and see my soul.  Hold my hand for a while, or hug me so close you can  feel my heartbeat.  Sit and lean against me.  The questions are outside noise.  It is in the silence that you will hear me.

A man in front of me in line the other day looked at the checker as she finished ringing and said “yes, yes, yes”.  She looked confused so he explained.  Yes I need a bag, yes I want a receipt and yes I am a member”.  He has noticed too.  I smiled. 

Going within to be with me,

SARAH

preparing the soil

Yogis,

Reminder:  Only class this week is tomorrow, Monday morning, 5:25 am.  Maybe you should come!

Tuesday evening I was sucked into the Christmas vortex.  There, 12 of us (plus two dogs) swirled together for four days.  All of us connected by joy, music, wine, games, cookies, gifts and lots of love. 

Today I am crawling out the other end.  Rubbing my eyes and blinking from the bright light, recognizing everyday life that was here patiently waiting for my return.    I mindfully wipe the crumbs from the counters and sweep the floors, clearing away what remains of the holidays and

the year we named 2014.  It is all behind me now.  And what lies ahead is clear and empty.

What life seeds should I plant?

One of my intentions over the past 3 or 4 years has been to embrace winter.  I have visualized, stated, journaled and written on the topic with the vision of living life every day, regardless of the time of year, as it should be lived.    And I can truly say that for the first time ever I am actually excited for January and February!!

For me, winter does not begin on December 21^st, but instead during the week after Christmas when I pull out the new calendars with nothing yet written on them.  January and February staring back at me wondering if my pen is going to fill up their daily squares.   But only a few words are entered with mostly blank space remaining.  This year I feel a sense of relief.  Open space.  Time for me.  Days without “doing” so I can have the room to “be”.   

As creative beings, we design and orchestrate our lives.   But the required first step is getting still and quiet enough to notice where we are and see the unlimited potential in front of us.  The infinite choices we have.   Limitless potential.  This is winter’s purpose.   It is not meant to be rushed. 

So what life seeds do I want to plant? 

I leap into thinking about what I want for 2105…….but the energy of winter is located way down near the tailbone, far from the brain.    Winter asks us to relax the mind muscles, sink our awareness inward and connect to the stillness.   Feeling.  What is it that I want.  Preparing the soil for planting.

My inner yearnings are there.  Restless.  Wanting to be heard.  I have felt them stirring but have been too distracted by the outer world to give them my attention.  This now is their season.  Thank goodness for January and February. 

Time to withdraw.  Time for dreaming……………..

Tea, puzzles, journals and comfy blankets,

SARAH

....inner housekeeping

Dear Yogis,
This week we moved up to Ajna chakra, our third eye center.    Here we turn our gaze away from the bright lights of the fast paced tantalizing outer world and direct it toward the quiet stillness of our inner world.  Seeing what is true.

Today is the winter solstice which marks the beginning of  the season to shine the flashlight inward. Peering into the corners, clearing away any cobwebs,  getting reacquainted with me and stirring things up.

This is where meditation has so much to offer.  The daily practice of taking even 5 or 10 minutes to simply sit and observe what is happening on the inside – noticing your thoughts, feeling any places of holding, becoming aware of both the sadness and the joy, and watching the breath – begins to reveal an inner landscape that connects you to what is real.    Here we see our soul.  Here we find everything we have been longing for…..

But not everything that we see in there is comfortable.  The clearer our inner vision becomes, the more we can’t ignore those shadow parts.  The things we have labeled “wrong”, “bad” or “not allowed” or buried so deep we forgot they were there.    Everything in there parading in front of us asking to be noticed and embraced.

Last week I wrote about Phoebe and the effect her energy was having on my vibration.  I told myself I would reground, get a grip and everything would be fixed.  But the Universe clearly was not buying my act.  Phoebe’s barking and lunging at other dogs and even people on our walks continues and each time my heart races, my stomach clenches and the jitters set in.  It scares me.  Why does she have to be like this?

I finally had to admit that her acts of confrontation were bringing up parts of me that I have never developed.   I hate confrontation.  I do everything in my power to avoid it.  I never want anyone to think I am upset or angry with them and if a conflict develops between me and another, I leave feeling wounded.   I was attaching her behavior in front of others  to me.  What will the neighbors think of her?  What if no one likes her?   They must believe I am a bad owner.  Some of the very thoughts I have had of others.

But the outer world was simply mirroring something needed in my inner world.  First I had Franklin with his aggression (which I know was more than I was able to handle) and now Phoebe.  If something keeps appearing...take note.  Clearly a challenge from the Universe.  A teacher.  A gift. Why?   What is it that I am supposed to learn.

I was relaying all of this to my sister because she is coming for Christmas with……her dog.   And we will all be in the same house for 4 days.  She shared a story of an incredibly laid back woman at her park where the dogs play, that happens to own the most alpha dog in the group.  When this dog demands to lead the pack or behaves in a bossy manner, the woman sits back and allows it.  He doesn’t cause any harm, he is just dominant.  She realizes that is who he is and she is ok with that. She is strong enough in herself to let him be himself.  She isn’t trying to “fix” him.

I can see that I want to fix – and quickly!    If I just do this and this and this….she will do as I want her to do.  And it wasn’t happening on my timeline.  I also see now that I was rushing her.  Not providing her the freedom to take the time she needs to heal and find her own way to peace, with my role only to hold the safe space for that to happen.    Accepting all of the parts of her.

So…..I have work to do.  On me.   As she barks I will smile at those that pass.   I will hug her after every walk no matter how it went.  I will move toward letting her be her and not hold her hostage to being a reflection of me.    My sense is that both of us will grow from this and all will be as it should be.

  Who, me?

Seeing more clearly,
SARAH

....out of tune

Yogis,

What note are you?  We each carry a unique vibration.  Our frequency.  The sound of “me”!

When we open the throat and allow our authentic voice to flow through, we also tune our frequency.  Similar to turning the knob back and forth on a radio to find that perfect spot where the signal is clear and strong, with all static cleared.  Hitting the perfect note.  And when we do we are in perfect harmony with the Universe around us.  Resonance. 

It’s like when you meet someone and instantly connect.  As if somehow you have known each other forever and conversation is effortless.  Sharing is quick and deep and you can finish each other’s sentences.  Their vibration and yours create a perfect chord. 

But we have other energies soaring through us which can cause our vibration to be off.  Anger, worry, sadness, fear and anxiety can cover over our inner tune when we don’t allow them to flow through unobstructed.  We become an instrument that is out of tune.  Muffled.  Disharmony with the world and everything feels more difficult.    

When we, or another is in this state and we meet, the exchange is more distant and superficial.  Less eye contact.   We aren’t resonating.  A duet where one has a head cold. 

So….meet Phoebe.

Yes, round two…..  Phoebe is a 2 yr old female who made her way to me just two weeks ago. 

She is beautiful and loving.   This week however,  it became clear that she is nervous when we are out walking.  Her vibration changes and she is on high alert – ears up and sensitive to every sound.  Anxious.  And without noticing I slowly allowed her vibration to feed into me so that I too was on high alert.  It began to filter into more of my day and I felt out of synch.    I had lost my grounded earthy frequency.  My note.  This doesn’t happen to me often and it is disconcerting.

This can happen to us easily.  A tough week at work, a challenging encounter, an illness.  We get pulled from center…..from middle C.   

I am realizing that my role is to vibrate “me” clearly.   That I am not nervous.  That I am relaxed, safe and in charge.  The energy of the mother.   Laying my hands on her to calm and soothe her concerns so that her “note” which is incredibly sweet, can be sung at all times and not be scrambled by the staccato rhythm of nerves. 

Keeping your authentic self in tune takes some effort.  First you must feel what that note is.  When you close your eyes and feel what it feels like to be “you”, what frequency is it?  Then you must notice when you get pulled off of it.  And when that happens, doing the things that guide you back.  For me those are slowing my breath, watching my exhales, and being out in nature. 

I am at the beach today and just took Phoebe down to watch as  thousands and thousands of snow geese lifted out of the ocean at sunset.   A thick black cloud of flapping wings passing overhead while their unique sound filled the sea air.  All of us a symphony conducted by the Universe.  All of us saying…….Here I am!

Vibrating as me,

SARAH

....making it real

Yogis,

Shoulders rolled back and drawn away from each other.  A slight tip upward with the heart.  Turning on the light there and shining it out.  Aahhhhh…………….

The last three weeks were spent on letting go…..trusting that we are supported.  Letting go of the little things (harder than it sounds) and the big things (extremely challenging).  The beliefs, angers, memories, fears and perceptions that we each carry – whether negative or even positive, can be oh so hard to release as we sometimes define ourselves by them.   I am this way because…….I don’t do that because…….  It takes a lot of courage to let go.  It takes faith.

But once we have surrendered and dropped those heavy weights, a brand new exciting space is created.  Now we move up to the throat, and it is here that we allow.  Our place of choice and freedom. 

The throat energy.  Where we begin to make things real.  Releasing what we hear in the heart, out through the mouth.  Speaking with our authentic voice.   Taking the vision of what we desire, which we have been projecting onto the clear blank space in front of us, and putting it into words – stating our intention.  Communicating with the Universe with the vibration of words. 

Let me share with you my recent experience ……

For the past several years I have been feeling that I want to do more with my writing.  That I would like to write a book.  I have hinted about  it, given it some passing thoughts and wished it would happen.   In case you are wondering…..that wasn’t taking me very far.   The Universe has been supporting my hinting and wishing quite well.  The Universe kept hinting back with comments from friends that I should write a book.

For the last two months I have consciously moved back into flowing with the Universal laws.  I defined for myself what I wanted.  I created an image of me already having written a book, sitting at a book signing.  I have been projecting that image clearly every time I “open myself to the Universe” during my yoga practices.  Over and over and over.    I wrote it in my journal.  “I am writing a book”…..  (notice there is no try or will or hope in there).

Finally I spoke the words out loud at dinner one night.  I simply stated that “I am writing a book”.    YIKES!!!!   I had now taken that inner energy of desire and transformed it into an outward energy.  The energy of sound.   An intention.  Sent out to the Universe.  A giant step forward into the unknown.

About 3 days later I was sitting out on my rocks and thinking that I would need to take a week off in the next several months to sit, journal, walk and meditate to begin to manifest this book.  I wondered if perhaps there was some sort of workshop out there that would support this need.  Hmmmm….I will need to Google that.

Well.   That night I open my email to find an out of the blue note from a friend about a writing retreat this summer.  She said she thought of me when she saw it.   A week long women’s retreat in NM centered around creating a space for working on a project.  Yoga every day, fresh organic food, a small group, hikes, all held in Taos – a city drenched in Native American spirit.   And did I mention each day begins with wild ecstatic dancing!  Not sure what made her think of me J

I literally had goose bumps.  The Universe was answering loud and clear.  I didn’t question, analyze or worry.  Within hours I had signed up and sent my deposit.  I chose.  No thinking…..doing.

It so happens that the retreat filled within 24 hours and I am the only new person to have gotten in.  The remaining women are alumni of the retreat and most have published books.  Of course immediately my mind leapt into action…. questioning, judging and attempting to scare me.   Who was I to think I could write a book.  Have I made a mistake? Am I eloquent enough?   I don’t have their talent.  Will I be accepted?  And on and on.

Back to letting go….letting go….and letting go some more.   Heart spread open and light shining out.  Deep full breaths.  Taos, here I come!

What is it that you want?  Define it, create the vision, move toward it with baby steps, see it every single day…..and then speak the intention.    Trust the Universe to handle the details. 

I am a writer, (Aaahhhhh!  Did I just say that?)
SARAH